everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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