tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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