i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
