I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
