if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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