I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Randomize
