So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
