I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
