I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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