nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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