every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
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Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
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I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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