I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
