k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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