so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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