I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
