We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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