I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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