News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
