so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
