there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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