judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
