I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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