I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
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