Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
where does the pee come out of this thing
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
