You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
