If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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