i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
