I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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