There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
