The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
