R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
too bad you live with your parents still
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
