I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
