Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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