You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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