textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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