My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
