I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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