I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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