Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
