Got a toothbrush?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
