He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
