Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
