the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
