There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
