The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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