i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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