I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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