I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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