glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize