What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
