I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
