If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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