Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
