i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
