im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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