I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
