He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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